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My Skin is not Irrelevant

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 Here I am, a year later.  There's so much and so little that has occurred between my last post and this very moment.  I had a Uterine Fibroid Embolization in March 2022 and attempted to conceive again in April 2022 which ended in a chemical pregnancy.  I was taking my prenatal still as well as talking CoQ10.  While actively trying to conceive, I used Conceive Plus.  Since I have switched to Geritol and taking Vitamin D as told by my new OBGYN due to a deficiency.  I've gotten a psychiatrist and been placed on antidepressants as well as anxiety medication and medicine for PTSD nightmares.  Thankfully, they are working and allowing me to continue to exist while Semaj does not anymore. I love him so much and miss him.  I want so badly to have a pregnancy experience that ends in a living child in my arms and that child will know about their little big brother who came before so they could come behind him.  I want to use this post to pinpoint where I have been dissatisfied with my
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The Dying of the Sun

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The dying of the sun.  We all know it will happen one day, but as much as we want to live long lives, I don't know of anyone that wants to live to see it happen.  That no doubt powerful, inevitable, sense of fear and doom that would likely run through you in the days leading up to it.  Then the destruction that would crush you when it finally came to pass.  My son was my whole world, and by some curse that lays over me, I lived to see that day and the destruction that followed. It began with September 15, 2021.  I had hit week 16.  It was a milestone.  Every day was an accomplishment and every week.  I was in the second trimester and statistics say that you're more likely to be able to have a sigh of relief at that point than a tragedy.  I had eaten some Taco Bell that day and packed up some books.  The food didn't sit well in my stomach and to this day, I know I'll never eat Taco Bell again. Up until that day, my pregnancy with Semaj was painless, barely a
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Red Sunflowers

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My favorite flower is the sunflower.  They're tall, big, and bright, following the sun with their brown faces.  My favorite type of sunflower is the red sunflower.  To narrow it down, my favorite red sunflower is my son, Semaj Sarian Howard.  My little red and brown baby, pictured against a bright blue blanket. Semaj has a very special genus.  His father held that name as a special moniker for himself that most refused to use.  Even I was skeptical at first.  Yet before the name was finalized, he asked me if Semaj could be the first name instead of the middle name and I said yes, because if we had a son, it would be his son too. We chose baby names early.  I'd had my name chosen for a possible boy child years before I even met a man that I could hold deep enough affection for to allow for the possibility of children.  That name was Sarian.  It is special to me because it comes from Sariah, my middle name.  I always preferred my middle name to my first one and so I w
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